It’s Been a Minute

Catching Up

Well, it has been a while since I have posted on this page. Almost two years ago to be exact. What a difference just two years can make.

Two years ago I was ready to launch my coaching program, Be Well. I had a few clients lined up and I was ready to make a difference in others lives. Little did I know that I still had a lot of learning and growing to do myself. It has been a rollercoaster these past two years and I never thought I would be back to where it all started in 2018.

Yes, that is correct. I am back to square one.

It has taken me a long time to fully accept, forgive and be ready to try again with getting back to a healthy weight. This time, however, I am going to do it with also putting Christ in my health journey.

When I started my journey in 2018, I started out with a focus that I could not do this on my own. I would need Christ’s strength to help me, but somewhere along the way I lost that. I got caught up in the secular fitness culture and hype. The focus shifted from doing this for God’s glory and honestly became more of a focus on my own glory.

See, I thought I knew what I needed to know. I thought I had put the work in that I needed to do. I thought that I had done all the work. While I had done some of it (nutrition, workouts), I did not really do all the mental and spiritual work that needed to be done.

What Happened?

How did I go from being in the best shape ever, running a marathon and starting my own coaching program back to 290 pounds? Sit back…it’s a long one.

The weight began to creep on around May 2021. The first part of 2021 was a tough time. Scott was working on his goal for his physique show in the summer 2021. While I am extremely proud of all he accomplished getting on stage, it was probably one of the toughest times in our marriage and family life. The drastic change in his nutrition led to a change in personality. Let’s be honest….he was a real a-hole. But, I was trying hard to continue to be encouraging with his goal and support him the best I could. However it took a toll. On top of that, I knew that this was something I would never be able to do. All the loss of weight gave me a ton of excess skin that I was extremely self conscious about and doubted I would ever be able to get removed. This started playing with me mentally, especially as we grew closer to our time to go to Phoenix for the show. So, a gained back a little here and there.

By the time September 2021 rolled around, I had gained back 21 pounds. That doesn’t sound too bad in the grand scheme of things and I thought in my head…no big deal. I can get this back off. Done it before, can do it again.

Then we made a huge life change beginning in October 2021. We decided to take advantage of the market and sell our large home and downsize since our two older kids would be graduating high school in the next few years. We had been watching the market and we had a feeling that it was the best time to capitalize on the equity in our home. So, we made the decision to sell.

First came the prepping and staging part of home selling. If you have ever sold a home, you know that takes a lot of time. In our case, we were trying to put it up quickly so every night and weekend we were working on the house. This immediately put a halt to some of our good habits. Skipping workouts and takeout became the norm. In order to stage the house, I also lost my workout room. I had to turn it into a living area and packed up all my home workout equipment. That made for even more of a struggle to keep my good habits I had built up.

By the time we sold the house and moved my weight had climbed another 10 pounds just from October to December. But I still had in my head that I was ok, no big deal and I can shake this weight off quickly. What I didn’t realize was the mental toll the move would take on me. I quickly began to spiral.

At first, I thought I was at peace with the decision to downsize. Less house to clean. Less opportunities for messes. Less utility bills. Woo Hoo!! BUT, what I didn’t realize was the deep connection I had to the house. I had moved so much in my lifetime, I never really grew “close” to a house. This house ended up being different. This house was the longest I had ever lived in a home in my entire lifetime. I didn’t realize until after the move just how much of a connection I had to our old house. This brought a lot of sadness and regret around the decision to move. In the middle of all of this transition (one week after we moved), my father-in-law suddenly passed away on Christmas Eve 2021. That brought even more sadness and stress into our lives.

When we moved, our youngest daughter changed schools and the new school was walking distance (less than a mile) from our house. I thought it was perfect and she loved walking rather than riding the bus every day. Then, a few weeks into the semester, she had a very scary encounter that made it even harder for me with the move. A man in a truck approached her on her way to school and tried to get her to get in his truck. Luckily she was on her phone with a friend and when the man realized it, he sped off. Here I thought we were moving into a safe, quiet neighborhood and my daughter almost gets abducted just a short walk from our new home. To say that didn’t help me with the move would be an understatement.

By March of 2022, I had gained back 52 pounds from my lowest weight. I struggled with finding a new routine. I did not have a dedicated workout room in the new house. I tried to make a space in the garage, but it never failed that something would get put in there in the way. I tried getting back into running, but I had my own scary encounter and put that on hold. Plus, with gaining back that much weight, I was struggling to run like I used to. That is when the guilt, embarrassment and shame came in with full force.

As we grew closer to my oldest daughter’s graduation, I began to really dread seeing people I had not seen in a long time. I had purposefully not shared a lot about my struggles with anyone outside my immediate family. Even then, I did not fully share all my feelings. I kept it all to myself thinking I could fix it myself. The shame and embarrassment only made my weight gain worse. All the while, I had not given any of my feelings to God. I had been carrying the burden of this all on my shoulders. After all, I was my mistakes, my failures. I thought I could continue to handle it all, but all it lead to is depression.

There were several times I tried to come back. Several times I would post “I am ready to get back to it”. I was not ready. Not even close.

Fast forward to Christmas Eve 2022. I found myself back at my starting weight from 2018. I was depressed, overwhelmed and felt like a complete failure. I was ashamed of what I had let myself do the past year. How I had gotten so far off course and I didn’t know how I would ever get back to my healthy weight again. During our Christmas Eve service, our pastor urged anyone who was holding onto anything they needed to give over to God that was causing them pain (grief, fear, guilt, shame, etc.) to come and pray with one of our prayer volunteers. I felt God make me get up. He knew I had been struggling with handing these things over to Him. I prayed with the volunteer and shared how much shame and guilt and sadness I had dealt with all year. As he prayed over me, I could feel an overwhelming peace come over me. Something that I can’t truly explain in words. It was immediate. I felt free and like myself again. God is so good!

Moving Forward

As we began 2023, I knew that I was ready to take back my health journey. I finally was able to begin to forgive myself for all the mistakes I have made then past two years. I know that I have to forgive myself in order to move forward.

I also began to do some research on different coaching programs, but I was longing for one that would incorporate Christ and my faith into the mix. I will always be grateful to my former coach and program. He made me realize that I was capable of way more than I ever thought. I will always be grateful for everything I learned. But I knew this time, I needed a different approach.

Finally, I have found a program that I feel in my heart will be good for both Scott and myself. The program’s foundation is in Christ and not the secular view of the fitness industry. I am so excited to be starting this in the next week and I can’t wait to take you all along on this journey again. This time, focused on God and in a much better place mentally and spiritually.

I hope you will follow along. I know the story of gaining/losing/gaining is not unique. So many people struggle with this issue. I pray that this time will be the last time I have to do this. I also pray that by sharing my story I can help even just one person on their journey.

Here we go!

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